I lie here
In a bath gone cold
Unable to move
Even to wipe the hot tears from my cheeks.
I have mustered
Up every single bit of courage I have
To share these words with you.
Meets your cold, disappointed stare.
Too displeased to even entertain a conversation
You simply tell me
‘You wanted an honest answer’
And all of a sudden
And I manage to move myself
From the white coffin I once used
As a safe haven from the noise of the world
A cocoon to savour the words of my favourite authors
To wash the day from my skin.
I sit naked in the bathroom
My head in my hands.
My tears still salty warm
Hit the cold tiles between my feet.
I am frozen.
Your first deflection
Ignited a passion
Your second broke a part of me
And your third
Put out the fire
Burning on the fuel of days spent with you.
I am heavy.
My whole body aches.
I cannot find the energy to move my head from my hands
Or break the stare of my eyes.
I have learned the lives of the spaces between bathroom tiles.
Heavy with the weight of your rejection
Your throwaway words
Meant to make a point
Have broken me.
I have no courage left.
I am still sitting here
As the ticking continues to taunt,
My grief still pours from my eyes
Onto the bathroom floor
And all I can think of
Is how to best pretend
I am not damaged by this.
I will have to apologise
For taking your words too seriously
I will have to tell you that I accept
That I brought it upon myself
With my over analysing.
At getting it perfect without asking any questions.
I am not sorry and this is not my fault
But I will have to convince myself that I am
And that it is
Because you never will.
I have failed to make this what you wanted it to be
And you have failed to appreciate my bravery
So now I am frozen
My head too heavy to hold
And my heart too empty
To keep going on
When my veins are full of your rejection.