Bathroom Tiles

I lie here

In a bath gone cold

Unable to move

Even to wipe the hot tears from my cheeks.

I have mustered

Up every single bit of courage I have

To share these words with you.

My bravery

Meets your cold, disappointed stare.

Too displeased to even entertain a conversation

You simply tell me

‘You wanted an honest answer’

And all of a sudden

My bravery

Means nothing.

You leave

And I manage to move myself

From the white coffin I once used

As a safe haven from the noise of the world

A cocoon to savour the words of my favourite authors

To wash the day from my skin.

I sit naked in the bathroom

Exposed

My head in my hands.

My tears still salty warm

Hit the cold tiles between my feet.

I am frozen.

Your first deflection

Ignited a passion

Your second broke a part of me

And your third

Put out the fire

Burning on the fuel of days spent with you.

I am heavy.

My whole body aches.

I cannot find the energy to move my head from my hands

Or break the stare of my eyes.

I have learned the lives of the spaces between bathroom tiles.

Heavy with the weight of your rejection

Your throwaway words

Meant to make a point

Have broken me.

I have no courage left.

I am still sitting here

As the ticking continues to taunt,

My grief still pours from my eyes

Onto the bathroom floor

And all I can think of

Is how to best pretend

I am not damaged by this.

How

I will have to apologise

For taking your words too seriously

How

I will have to tell you that I accept

That I brought it upon myself

With my over analysing.

My incompetence

At getting it perfect without asking any questions.

I am not sorry and this is not my fault

But I will have to convince myself that I am

And that it is

Because you never will.

I have failed to make this what you wanted it to be

And you have failed to appreciate my bravery

So now I am frozen

My head too heavy to hold

And my heart too empty

To beat

To push

To try

To keep going on

When my veins are full of your rejection.

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